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| Subject: | wow |
| Time: | 4:56 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | red red wine. |
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I haven't exactally had a chance to update for a long loooong time. I've been extrememly busy and I've had a lot of stuff going on.
I can't wait for this crappy year to be over I absolutely hate school and can't wait until it's done with. My school is probably the worst ever. I wouldn't recommend it to any child or parents seeking a school. I pretty much hate almost all the teachers and administrators. I guess there's a few that are alright but it's not like I'd consider them my friend. They're just a person I know and who think is alright. There's also too many stupid kids at school. They can't live happily without drama. There has to be some sort of stupid drama going on or they're bored with their lives. It's pretty sad the gossip and rumors people make about eachother. People have said stuff about me before and it totally sucks. I actually let it get to me. Then, after it'd been going on for awhile I just was like whatever they suck and they dont even know the story so fuck them they can say whatever they want. I don't even care...
I guess home life is basically the same. It sucks. But then other people probably have it worse. It doesn't really matter the severness. I could be horrible or just not ok sometimes, no matter what everyone has homelife problems sometime and it sucks. I guess I'm sort of getting used to they fighting considering it's been going on for a long time. I used to hate it and get upset for days over it. Now I'm just used to it and I seem to be expecting it. When a fight comes I go to my room or listen in or whatever. It pisses me off but it doens't make me sad anymore. I hate it and don't give a shit because it's so stupid and this house is stupid.
Not much else except people seem to be getting angry with me lately because they say that I ditch them or some shit. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of them getting pissed at me when I don't feel like it, I made plans, or they don't even ask. It always is MY fault and I'm fed up with their shit. So, whatever say I'm a bitch. I guess I am.
There is awesome stuff going on too though. For example Josh!! He is awesome, I am awesome so we are awesome and have awesome times together. So that pretty much makes me happy even if there's a lot of bad shit going on.
Kara Kakes...
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sometimes i smell things in the air and it just reminds me of people, times, or things. it's strange. sometimes it will last for a second sometimes it'll last a minute or longer. certain smells make me happy certain smells make me sad. it's like just the smell takes me back in time to a memory i've had hidden in my head for so long that i haven't thought about for a long time. right now i am being reminded of summer. sounds strange i know but it's true.
this weekend was... boring the same as it usually is. but thats ok because im fine with being bored. it doesnt bother me much anymore. or not this weekend i guess. ive been very tired though. i need more sleep but im just having trouble. ohhh well..
kara kakes
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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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things are going pretty well for me right now. im getting over little things that used to bug me really easily. im just feeling all in all a lot better. i wonder how long it'll last. hopefully it will last... i still hate school and im beginning to hate the teachers even more than i did before but there's nothing i can do about that. they give me attitude im going to give it back to them because i hate them. for some reason they seem to piss me off. but hey whatever i don't care much. nothing more to say at the moment im bored and want to be doing something thrilling. maybe ill go find that thing...
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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
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well this week was deffinately not very good. well until friday. i cried everyday since last thursday. but im ok now everything is way fine. its all fixed. friday was an awesome day because i wore my lucky shirt, pants, sandles, and underwear. oh and perfume too!! so it was totally great. and the mall was great too. had an awesome time. im feeling much better. except the same feeling of hopeless but im learning that you have to accept life and the way it goes. if something happens thats good well you have to live with it and if something good happens you have to live with it too. its the way things are supposed to be. you cant change your future. you dont know what will happen in the future but whatever happens you will have to live with it because you cannot change the past. you have to let life play itself out and see whats in store for you. whatever is to come is what comes. life is like a flowing river. there might be a huge bolder in the middle but the water always finds someway around it whether it takes a long time or a short time. think of life like that...
nicole and i took a walk this morning. we went to frys and then we met these two kids at mariposa and walked with them. fun stuff. and now nicole is taking a shower at my house. and im next for the shower. today will be good... hopefully. heh
kara kakes
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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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| Subject: | sad |
| Time: | 2:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | if you leave- simple minds. |
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this weekend has probably been one of the worst ive had in a very long time. i stayed home all day, everyday. and staying home for me isnt the what i need. first of all i hate my home. i like getting away from all this shit, away from home because thats all ive been at for the week. i hate school too though. so either way i loose. thats why i live for the weekend. thats the time im supposed to be able to do things. no one can do anything... im trapped inside my stupid house inside my room. i believe i have cursed my room because everything ive done wrong has happened in my room. i could probably flood my room from all the crying ive done. i hate being upset. im so sick of this shit, its all ive known for the past year. and im sure its all im to know for much longer. but i just am having trouble with handleing it. ive already accepted that i am "sad" or more sad than a regular person might be. but this is just becoming too much for me to handle. i know im not alone in this shit but when i sit in my room at night with no lights on just crying my eyes out i cant help but feel alone, even if someone is with me. no one can understand how i feel, because its me not them. but at least i have someone there to comfort me. but even so i still feel alone and still feel there's nothing for me. sure, it'll get better but when. or will it? i cant remember the last time i was truly happy for a whole day. without getting upset. i dont even know what happy is anymore.
im just glad thats its me and not someone else, because i woudlnt want anyone going through this shit...
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Monday, February 9th, 2004
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i had a pretty good day. i was in a great mood all day it seemed. i kept singing, thats what i do when im hyper and happy. i went really comfy to school too. i wore a pitt state hoodie and jeans. i rolled the jeans around the hips. sounds stupid i know, but they're too big so i rolled them around the hip area so they wouldn't slide down as much. we're doing this weird advertising project and i was having trouble finding adds. but whatever i didnt care at all.
my dad got out the old turn table yesterday. he hooked it up to the computer and taught me how to use it. its awesome i love the sound of the scratches and everything. he's got so many records. not many that i like but thats ok. i listened to somethings id never heard of and some i had. when i came home from school i went in and turned on the record player and listened to some motown(my record) and kansas, aerosmith, pink floyd, stuff like that...
enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, well nevermind you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until it has faded, but trust me in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. you are not as fat as you imagine. dont worry about the future or worry but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. the real troubbles are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind of thing that blind sides you at 4 pm on some idol tuesday. do one things everyday that scares you. sing. dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours. floss. dont waste your time on jealousy. sometimes you're ahead sometimes you're behind, and in the end its only with yourself. remember compliments you recieved. forget the insults. if you succeed in doing this tell me how. keep your old love letters throw away your old bank statements. stretch. dont feel guilty if you dont know what you wanna do with your life. some of the most interesting people i knew didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. some of the most interesting 40 year olds i know still dont. get plenty of calcium. be kind to your needs, youll miss them when they're gone. maybe youll marry, maybe you wont maybe youll have children maybe you wont maybe youll divorce at 40 maybe youll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding aniversory. whatever you do dont congradulate yourself too much nor barade yourself either. your choices are half chance, so are everyone elses. enjoy your body use it everyway you can. dont be afraid of it or what other people think of it. its the greatest instrument youll every own. dance. even you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. read the directions even if you dont follow them. do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly. get to know your parents you never know when theyll be gone for good. get to know your siblings, they're your best link to the past and the most likely to stick with you in the future. understand that friends come and go but with the precious few you should hold on. work hard to fill the gaps in geography and lifestyle where as you the older you get the more youll need the people you knew when you were young. live in new york city once but leave before it makes you hard. live in northern california once but leave before it makes you soft. travel. accept certain unalianable truths. prices will rise, politicians falander, and you to will get old. and when you do youll imagine that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were nobel and children respected their elders. respect your elders. dont expect anyone to support you. amybe you have a trust fund maybe youll have a wealthy spouse but you never know when either one might run out. dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. be careful whose advise you buy but be patient with those who supply it. advise is a form of nostaligia. despensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal wipping it off painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth....
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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
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im confused right now. just plain confused. i dont know what about. just about me, what im doing, my life, why things are the way they are. i dont know it sounds weird but im just like that. im not too upset lately. or not as bad as i could be i guess.
this whole week was tournaments for school softball. we won all the tournament games and went onto winning the championship. this is the second year too. im going to really miss softball at pueblo. but hopefully i can advance to corona.
im feeling broken down right now. i just dont know where im going. i dont want to know my life plan or anything. i just wish i was more certain about myself. im not doing so great in school and my grades are dropping.
last night nicole spent the night and that was fun i guess. and tonight kelci is coming to my house. i wanted to do something fun with someone but i dont think anyone wants to so ill just sit around with kelci and be us. like the good summer times. sit around and talk till about 3 in the morning. maybe we'll oujia tonight too. that'd be fun. even though we've asked all the questions possible but im sure we can come up with some new ones.
kakes
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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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i've been feeling much better lately its great. im reading up on aromatherapy and herbal oils and things like that. i love herbal tea it not only tastes good but it makes you feel like good. especially certain kinds. and same with smells. im also reaing about hypnosis. its very intersting. i think im going to try to do self-hypnosis. i hope it works. i dont know its very interesting.
i've also been reading about dreams like what they mean. and symbols and proficies. i believe that dreams have to do with what's on your subconcious mind and how you're feeling and what your thinking on an unconcious level. maybe you dont realize your stressed about something but thats the reason you've been feeling like crap. im so intersted in these things. it probably sounds really strange but i like it. im also figuring ways to relax and work off stress by using oils, smells, teas, and yoga. haha wow im weird. anyway im up to read up on herbs and such...
children behave, thats what they say when we're alone
and watch how you play they dont understand and so we're
runnin just as fast as we can holdin on to one anothers hands
tryin to get away into the night and you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say
i think we're alone now there doesn't seem to be anyone around
i think we're alone now the beating of our hearts is the only sound
kakes...
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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| Subject: | sick |
| Time: | 10:42 am. |
| Mood: | crappy. | | Music: | meet virginia. |
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im home sick from school. yay! i hate being sick but i hate school more. im bored just sitting here moms gone so i have the music up loud. fun stuff i know... yesterday we lost our first softball game. sucks but hey i really dont care surprisingly. i mean it doesn't matter to me at all. i wasn't even upset. i think it's better we lost because now we're all pissed and want to win more... whatever. anyway im feeling like crap so i gotta lay down.
kara kakes
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Saturday, January 10th, 2004
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im actually feeling like really awesome! i was having ups and downs but wow they're gone! im so great feeling im just awesome... i get butterflys everytime im thinking of how happy i am and all the things i've got going on. wow this is just so cool i haven't been like this since like a year ago! im just so excited about me and just about everything. i feel great for once i feel totally just awesome! there aren't enough words to explain the way im feeling. people actually are like cool.... i just figured that out last night people are pretty cool. not all people are assholes except that many are. but if you find the few that aren't then you have to keep them and always remember they're great. i cant say much more im too excited to even be here.... haha
today im hoping to go to batting and just hang with laurali ally and kelci! anywho
kara kakes
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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well another year has gone and past... alot of shit went on this year. a lot... and supposedly we start off with a new fresh pallet. but i dont think that's true. just because it's a new year doesn't mean the things you did yesterday are gone. it doesn't mean you're forgiven for all the stupid mess ups and wrong decisions you made from that past year and the year before that. just because its a new year you dont get a fresh start. you dont feel any different. i mean i know ill wake up tomorrow and ill still feel like kara from the year before. ill still remember the stupid things i did from last year and wish i hadn't. i know ill wake up and maybe ill wish that i wasn't awake that i never wake up. ill wake up the same exact way with the same exact thing on my mind... why cant i wake up happy why cant i actually look forward to the day? and then about those new year revolutions... i've never actually stuck to one of those that i've made up. i pretty much gave up two years ago on those things. and what's sad is the revolutions i made well they were so easy i dont know how i didn't do them. thats just me i guess. so screw the new year its like any other day. you're not going to magically wake up and feel better, you're not going to feel refreshed... or at least im not going to....
the only fun part about new years is its a good excuse to stay awake and its not AS boring as other nights. but it comes close depending where you go. no party for me. ill sit at home alone. what fun that'll be. i waste that night away on the computer. or maybe ill actually succeed in having a fun night. ill sit around and talk with our company, ron or delbert as some call him. maybe we'll have fun tonight. maybe i will wake up in a good mood, renewed but i highly doubt that. i highly doubt a lot of that. you never know though.... we'll see tomorrow.
kara kakes
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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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we went out to dinner and as expected it ended in a fight. at least this time it wasn't as bad as usual. so i suppose that's good. but it shouldn't have even started though... but its ok now or i think it is. no one is yelling and its calm now so whatever. we're just scared to say anything or leave our rooms. back to how it was before.
i've been so tired... im drinking tea at the moment to wake me up because it has caffiene or whatever. like it will actually work. nothing seems to wake me up at all. im tired to the point where i can barely function and what really sucks is i dont know why im tired so i cant fix it. i just hope with exercise ill wake up a bit but im scare that exercise will make it worse and i wont be able to walk. i dont know ill just drink my tea and see where i go from there...
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| Time: | 4:25 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | bright lights. |
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i'm really tired today. i fell asleep around 11 and i didn't even mean to. then my dad woke me up and i wasn't even listening to anything he was saying. i was pretty much delerious. when im really tired im not even aware of what is going on. i just walk around and talk but i dont know what im saying its rather funny. so anyway i went to my room and washed up for bed then i went to sleep. unfortunately i woke up pretty early which wasn't fun. but hey at least i slept some. then i went on some errands and i got new pastels, colored pencils, drawing and pastel paper, and blending stubs. nice stuff. im excited to have an idea come to me so i can draw it or whatever. anyway im tired and keep biting my tongue. its a bad habbit. we're going out to dinner tonight as a family woo hoo... hopefully the food will be good and no one will get into a fight. usually our family dinners dont end to well. but lately it's been better.
Though you left long ago your lingering spirit still haunts me...
I hear you're loosing weight again Mary Jane,
Do you ever wonder who you're loosing it for?
I've got a hole in me now...
There's a few more bruises if that's the way you insist on heading...
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world?
-Kara Kakes
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Monday, December 29th, 2003
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this is my newbie cutie journal. its pretty. anyway im sittin around being bored. the usual i seem to be good at being bored. im not saying i like it but it's a skill you must master. for someone to sit and stare at the wall... that takes skill i tell you. it takes skill to not go crazy and be so bored you get mad or get a headache. i think i became good at this during the summer it was hard at first for me to sit there but now i've got it down to where i can sit there and do absolutely nothing. or maybe it's because my mind wanders that i pass the time away and keep myself interested with thoughts. my mind races and never shuts off. thats probably why i have so much trouble falling asleep.
i wish i could lay outside in the cold and watch the night sky and have all my worries and fears away. i wish i could lay there and not be scared someone is going to take me or something is going to sting me. i wish i could not worry about the future and about getting my heart broken. i wish i could not care about what people will tell me if i do something or what will happen if i do something. i wish the sky could take me away and i could fly to the stars and watch the earth and feel bigger and better than it. i wish but i cant have... i dont want to be selfish and greedy but i just want happiness.
i've got a lot and im thankful but i dont know. i want to feel kara again. i want to feel the same...
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kara_kakes's journal
calm.
bored.
optimistic.
gloomy.